Home > Uncategorized > ***Lickgate***

***Lickgate***

A cat licked the palm of my hand. 

....wow...that is actually kinda adorable.

Except, apparently this cat had a large tongue…and it wasn’t as coarse as a cat tongue should be. In fact, it was kinda slimy.  One could say it was, a human tongue.  Or the tongue of a small boy!

this is not adorable...because if you age this 12 years, you have the thing that licketh-ed me-eth

「塩味!塩味!チョコジャネ~!塩味!」 shouted catboy as the other kids laughed.

I had just been reversed Datelined.

(note: if you are reading this on Facebook, which is known to distort things that are imported, I highly recommend you view it on the actual blog HERE. This blog is nothing to  look at as of right now in “awesome” wise, but squarespace was not doing what I wanted it to do.  Hopefully, by the end of the week, this will go from looking like a piece of cardboard to something more Nickish)

***Two Weeks Before LickGate***

It was “recess time” at 善通寺西中, which meant that I should be relaxing in the staff room and the kids should be running around outside, screaming their little heads off.

Instead, half of the students were all around my desk going through my bag, reading my books/comics, looking at my money, playing with my cellphone, etc.. . the other half were trying to give me massages.  Recess time is a bit weird at 西中.

“What’s this?” a girl asked as out of my bag she pulled a bottle of Cocoa Butter.

This bottle. Seriously. This is the exact bottle. Internet is pretty neat, eh?

“…it’s cocoa butter.”

「ココア飛蝗?」 (chocolate locust?)

“No! cocoa butter!”

「ココアバター?えええええ?トーストに塗るん?」 (Cocoa butter? What the balls? Ya spread this stuff on toast?)

“…..no. It’s for your skin…skin!” I said this while slapping myself on the arm.

She said nothing.

I then slapped my hand and then my face.

「あああ!ローション!ココアローション?エロい!」 “Ah! It’s lotion! Cocoa Lotion? Porntastic!”

“What?!?! No it isn’t! It’s just for really really DRY skin! I have dry skin! It’s not erotic!”

She however was no longer listening to me.  She was busy having letting the other kids smell my bottle of cocoa butter.  All of them remarking on how good it smelled and that “Of course Nick would have this.” 

***Two Weeks and A Day Before LickGate***

“Argggg!” I screamed.

“Arggggg!” an ashy version of myself screamed back at me from the mirror.

Winter is a roughtime for me.  Worse than the cold, it’s the dryness that makes things awful.  Many of you may know about this thanks to the Chappelle Show…but for those of you who don’t, I will fill you in.

If ye are of the Melanin’ Enhanced, wintertime means you look really ashy unless you use lotion.  You see, being Caucasoid has it’s advantages (simmer down now before you pop on the KKK hood) in that you have to be the dryest person alive for your dry skin to be visible.  At the most, your worries are having dandruff rain down upon everyone when you walk into work.  If you skin is even a little tan, then come winter time, you look like you walked through a cigarette butt factory,  unless you apply ample amounts of lotion to your skin.

Now, growing up, there were two products that many of my Melanin Enhanced peeps would use for their dry skin.  Two and only two.  Those products were the following:

Above the age of 60:  Vaseline

Under the age of 60: Cocoa Butter

First, let’s tackle Vaseline….you know what? Let’s not. I hate that stuff. Blarggus.

"Pure Petroleum Jelly? What am I a car? Next!" - Nick Hawkins before knowing that 'petrol' doesn't always mean 'the stuff you put in your car in you are in New Zealandtown'

Let’s tackle Cocoa Butter:  Now, Cocoa Butter is known for removing stretch marks, sometimes appearing in stick form, and making you smell like a bake shop.  That is about it.  Despite what anyone tells you, it doesn’t particualry work all THAT much better than, say a bottle of Jergens.  However, Cocoa Butter is actually edible, and you get to smell like Mrs. Smith Cookies all the time.  Also: it’s brown.  These are the reasons that I personally believe Cocoa Butter is so popular among the Negroid community.  Yes, I am aware that for some reason, Negroid sounds 200% worse than Caucasoid. ..but I figure fair is fare…I mean fair.

Now, in case you think I am being racist...I want you to look at this bar of soap..I mean really look at it. It's made from COCOA BUTTER, CHOCOLATE, and HAZELNUTS. It says NUBIAN on the bar. It also says HERITAGE and IVORIAN. If that's not enough, the small print says it is "100% Black Owned and Proud". As a "black person" myself, I am not saying that Cocoa butter is a product only used by "black people"....but what I am saying, is that if you touch my bar of Ivorian Cocoa Butter Soap, I will punch you square in the taint.

Wow. That was quite a digression.

Anywho, after screaing at myself inthe mirror, I realized that I was out of my usual handcream that I use to tackle the ashy demon.  I did, however have my backup of Cocoa Butter sitting in my closet.  I always save Cocoa Butter for the super cold, dry months.  Mostly, because smelling cookies makes me feel less cranky.  Thus, out the bottle came and on the skin it went.

***A Few Days Before LickGate***

Now, when you start using Cocoa Butter in a country where everyone can smell everything all the time, you are bound to hear comments about it.   I was now at 善通寺東中  which despite the 東 character is not all that more East than 西中, but they had to differentiate schools under 1 km apart from each other somehow.  Upon entering the staff room and sitting down, it took all of 4 minutes before the teachers got to giving me their two cents on my body odor:

いい匂いネ!  Smellin’ Good!

チョコある?         Got some chocolate there, pilgrim?

マシュマロの匂い!   You smell like marshmallows!

Look at that! All of those combined into one picture! Who doesn't love the internet? Me! I doesn't not love it....wait.....

Now, as none of these comments are bad, I tend to just nod and go about my business.

However, when it comes to entering the classroom, the students take a different approach.  And this approach is to mutter when you walk by and sniff you.

Hard.

Like one of those stupid Downy/Snuggle commercials where everyone sniffs the dude walking by wearing a neon colored towel.  It always ends with him with a grin on his face as everyone sticks their heads out of their cubicles to take a whiff of the walking Fragrance Bum.  Or better yet..it’s like a Juicy Fruit commercial…

….except you are the stick of Juicy Fruit.

Juicy Fruit's ads have gotten weird...

Again…I digress.

Anyway, they never say anything outright to you…just keep smelling you quite audibly and muttering to each other that either  you reek (臭え!), smell awesome (臭ええええ!), or smell like a bag of a$$es (臭えええええええええええええええええええ).   However, keeping in mind that any strong ordour is 臭え to the delicate Japanese nose, I tend to ignore it….because these same scampers smell really awesome when they come back from PE class (臭ッええええええええええええええええええええええええええええええええええええええええええええええええええええええええええええええええええええええええええええええええええええええええええええええええええええ!)

However,  no matter how much they claimed I “reeked”, they would all flock to me after class to smell me and tell me how much like a Bake Shop I smelled… especially one small boy….one small boy with catlike qualities…

***LickGate***

I showed up at my 1st period class about 3 minutes early.  I spent the entire 3 minutes with kids flocking to ask me where they could buy my “Porno Lotion” while getting noses jabbed at me like….like…..like…raisins get jabbed in Raisin Oatmeal?  Sorry, sometimes my analogies don’t work as well as they should.

I am aware I overuse the phrase "Delish and Nutrish"...but come on! Look at that! Who doesn't want a bowl of raisin oatmeal? ...... what's that? everyone but me? hmmmm

The bell rang, signaling that Raisin time was over and class was going to begin.  The teacher of this class, although quite an expert (he speaks, I kidyou not, 6 languages and has made up his own written language…but Captain Linguist is worth an entire post..more on him some other time), he is quite dry in class.  Thus, it is up to me to patrol the class, making sure students don’t throw pieces of paper, pieces of erasers, pieces of pencil lead, pieces of broken razors,  or pieces of Reeses Pieces at each other.  One of those was made up.  Unfortunately, it was not the last one.

 I was walking between the student’s desk as they tried to figure out how to say/write 「ミイクは日本語を話す事ができます。」 in English (translation–> Mike can speak Japanese)  I walked past a particular boy who had a strange gleam in his eye.  The kinda gleam that says, “I am totes about to do something to you! Look out!”  Given my students, I assumed the something he was going to do was tap me in the nuts with his pencil.

Thus, when I passed by his desk, I carefully turned my back towards him while covering my buttocks with both hands.  That’s when it happened.

 A cat licked the palm of my hand.  Except, apparently this cat had a large tongue…and it wasn’t as coarse as a cat tongue should be. In fact, it was kinda slimy.  One could say it was, a human tongue.  Or the tongue of a small boy!

「塩味!塩味!塩味!」(Salty! Salty! Sallllltastic bonanza!)  shouted catboy as the other kids laughed.

I had just been reversed Datelined.

Now this is where things got weird.  After the teacher settled the class down, he turned to me and in a joking manner, said, “You are like the color of chocolate, and smell like chocolate, so he probably thought you would taste like chocolate.”

Before I could respond to this, said teacher repeated the same thing he said to me in Japanese…but in the most casual way ever!

「チョコ味と思った?」 (Did you think he would taste like chocolate?)

and Catboy responded:

「うん」 (I sure did! I mean of course he would taste like chocolate!  He smelled liek Chocolate didn’t he? He looks like a walking bar of chocolate..well if one had a brillo-pad for hair! Heck, he even likes to eat chocolate and uses Porn Lotion that is made from Cocoa…which is chocolate! thus, one could deduce that this chocolate man would taste like chocolate!  I didn’t want to lick him, mind you…but I had to! I had to know!  And imagine my shock when I discovered that he tastes like salt!  Just like you and me!  I guess we have all  learned a valuable lesson today…and that is no matter what color our skin is…red, yellow, black or white…none of us taste like chocolate.)

"None of them taste like chocolate...not a single one." - Chris Hansen of Dateline during a speech he gave to convicted pedophiles that appeared on his show. Unfortunately, police then tackled Chris Hansen, assuming that he knew from experience....

Much more laughter occured and I went through the rest of class with my hands in my pockets to avoid being licked again.

***Post LickGate***

I’m really not all that sure how to wrap this one up.  We shared the experience of “Lickgate” together, you learned that once again, ‘appropriate’ is not a concept that really exists in Japan, and many of you learned the secret behind the Chocolate Chip cookie ordour I have been emitting for the past couple of weeks.  Take from this what you will.

Now if you excuse me, typing all of this has made my hands quite dry.  I require some Butter divined the Cocoa plant.

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