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Archive for March, 2010

“Sometimes Jokes Backfire…and you Have to Teach Health Class?!?”

March 23, 2010 1 comment

Now listen up.

I am well aware that some of you at time doth not believe all the stories I tell you, or you tend to think there is a little exaggeration involved. This is completely understandable, as that time I met Tia Carrera while playing wiffle ball with the pope totally didn’t happen.

Wifflepopes aside, I need you to understand that what happened to me today sounds like it is out of a bad sitcom…..but it DID happen. In fact, I would like us to look each other in the eyes before we start to get some trust between us. So if you would please, look me in the eyes, we can get started…

.......

…..that is most definitely not my face. That IS most definitely my buttox. I do not know how you managed to get a shot of that…but I would appreciate it if you would stop looking at my butt and look me in the

"Nick? Why are your seeing glasses on your head?" "Reader. Please pipe down."

….

That’s better. See? Good. Now that we have established some trust, we can start.

Read more…

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Categories: Uncategorized

S.Y. H. T. F. B. N. I. T. L. A. Y. H. A. B. C.S!

March 8, 2010 1 comment


Monday Morning – 6:46 AM

Cost Cuts: Only $12

I ran up the stairs of the crosswalk, tears welling up in my eyes.
Come on now Hawkins. Sack up. Sack up. Sack up.

I did a speedy hobble Quasimodo-esque gait passed some slow moving high schooloogians.

Ok, relax Nick. The train is here. It won’t leave for at least another 10 seconds. You’ll be fine.

I looked at the flight of stairs leading down to the train platform.

Move Nick! Move! Go down the bloody stairs!

I felt like Don-King in that M. Night movie. The only way this was going to end was with me falling down the stairs in a bone-cracking, wince worthy finale.

Nick….you need to catch this train….Nick….NICK!

The students I had speedily hobbled by earlier, had not passed me. The train was not going to wait much longer.

NIIIIIIIIIICK!!!! SACK UP!

I took a step down and felt a sharp pain emit from my left knee-cap.

GOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I took a deep breath and started my descent down the stairs.

***

You know what the worst feeling is in the world?
….well other than having [TREASURED BODY PART] stuck in a vice?
Knowing that you are coming down with a cold. That really sucks.

You know what I am talking about.

  • YOU are at lunch with some friends, you take a bite out of your Pimento Loaf on Rye (gross), and as you swallow you feel a tingling in the back of your throat. It’s not even pain yet…but from that tingle….
  • OR maybe you wake up one morning and notice that for whatever reason, you have to breathe through your mouth. You aren’t a caveman, but you look like one as you stumble sleepily around your house, fighting to get oxygen into your system..
  • OR, maybe you are at a rave, clubbing it up, and you feel a small pain in your ears. You are about to blame the music for this pain, but then you realize that you aren’t at a rave at all, you are in fact, just in Hot Topic..and the music isn’t nearly loud enough to cause inner ear pain…

The point is, you know at this point you are coming down with something. And usually you try to deny it, but sure enough..in 24/48 hours, you are a walking cold stereotype commercial.

But sometimes, those things happen and you are too busy/daft to notice them. Or things coincide perfectly that let you ignore it and shrug it off. Sometimes, these things happen and cause you to have the flu, but to have caught it too late in the process , and the medicine you have is just as strong as the stuff that we could prescribe for you…sorry!

So…You Had the Flu but Now It’s Too Late and You Have a Bad Cold…Sorry!

Seven Days Prior

It was Monday morning and I woke up with my eyes feeling crispy, with a capital K.

Now, Krispy is not how eyes should feel. Eyes should, ideally not feel like anything at all. They should be this moist, ballettes, that freely rotate about so that you don’t notice that they exist.

Yet, mine felt as though they were made out of rusty crabgrass. I could feel them scratch and scrape as I tried to look about my apartment.

I went over to the bathroom, turned on the lights and looked at myself in the mirror There were crackers in my eyes.*

*CULTURE TIME: Now, growing up, we called that crispy stuff that gets in thE corners of your eyes “crackers”. I am unsure as to why we did, but we did. Everyone in the Hawkins household knew what it meant if you said, “I have crackers in my eyes!” No one would look at you and expect to see Ritz crackers sitting there in place of where your eyes should be. Oh! Or even better! Those Keebler Elf crackers that you can get at buffet joints near the salad bar back in America! You know! They come in two a pack…are kinda sweet…are like if saltines decided to be awesome! Man, those are great…you know what I am talking about…right?

…I digress.

Now, this sort of thing only happens to me if:

  • MY apartment is extraordinarily dry.
  • I am coming down with a cold.

I selected the first option, as my apartment was extraordinarily dry. Thus, I wiped those crackers away and went about the rest of my day.

Six Days Prior

"The Most Underrated Movie Gem of Our Time" - Liars Weekly

I woke up feeling horribly dizzy.

Wait…who…what’s my name? Who am I? Am I a person?

I rubbed away the Ritz from my eyes and went over to the Starbucks (kitchen) in my apartment and asked the barrister (microwave) to whip me up a Double Frappa Mochachino (instant coffee) sharpish. As I stood in front of the microwave, waiting for my order to be processed, I noticed that the dizzy feeling wasn’t really going away. Why was I so dizzy? No..not dizzy..but foggy. I waded through my head-space and came up with one of the following reasons:

  • FALLING asleep halfway through doing something usually causes me to wake up disoriented.
  • FALLING asleep after having quaffing two large Guinness causes me to wake up disoriented
  • COMING down with a cold causes me to wake up disoriented.

Option two was out, as the closest thing to booze I had quaffed the night before was vegetable juice aged two days. Not quite enough for wine critics to come barreling through my apartment door.

I decided it had to be the falling asleep studying to cause me to be disoriented, as I had, indeed falling asleep while trying to parse through 嘘喰い Vol 4. My DS had remained open all night with the dictionary software in it and now refused to turn on.

The barrister dinged to let me know my Frappatendo was ready. I decided it had to be option A, quaffed my caffeine enhance beeve, and went about my day.

Five Days Prior

Jessica- 93820 Nick - Ow!

“Why the dickens did you pick this table?”
“Because, I thought THAT just was a large window and it is roomy here.”

The THAT Jessica was referring to was, in fact, a large glass automatic door. It kept on opening for no good reason every few seconds causing her to make typewriter noises. I had to admit, the door did in fact look like a large window. One could imagine confused pigeons crashing into it…were the sensor for this door not so…sensitive.   I could have easily made the same mistake Jessica had. And I proceeded to admit she was correct:

“….that looks NOTHING like a large window! That is clearly a door! Look at the walkway in front of it! What doors have walkways?”
“…drink your drink.”
[Jessica 1 Nick 0]

I took a sip of my Sakura Frozen Coffee Cream thing…. Jessica took a sip of her’s.

Wait…why are we drinking cold drinks in winter…

“Why are we drinking frozen drinks while sitting in front of the automatic door?!? It’s winter!”
“Because Starbucks frozen drinks tastes better than their hot drinks.”

[Jessica 2 Nick 0]

The door opened again and I found myself starting to make sounds like a nervous chipmunk. I was looking forward to Jessica finishing her drink so we co……

It was gone. Somehow in the space of a few seconds, she had demolished her drink.

[Jessica 3 Nick 0]

“Where did your drink go?!?”
“Hurry up and drink your drink.”
“Nah, I’ll just carry mine with me so we can get out of here.”
“Just kabiff it now. You’ll end up ditching it at my place and leaving me with more garbage.”

[Jessica 4 Nick 0]
Once again, I couldn’t argue with that. Throwing caution to the wind, I decided to chug the remaining 33% of my frozen treat.

Several things happened to my personage:

  1. MY head felt like someone had hit it with a sledgehammer then
  2. THE roof of my mouth felt like and ice pick had been jammed through it….ice picks are actually made of ice right…..no? Well this one was…but not nearly as eerie as
  3. ALL of the mucus in my entire body was sucked up straight to the area between my eyes.

“Ahhhh. Auggggggg.” I said while grabbing my head.

Jessica made some comment here that was Jessica-like that I currently, cannot remember as I was in severe pain at the time.
[Jessica 7 Nick 0]

As the pain started to wain, I noticed that the “on the ceiling” feeling was still there.

That was weird. The only times I tend to feel as though I am floating are:

  • You. Have. A. Bloody. Cold. Idiot.
  • I have ingested way too much caffeine…Idiot

Despite the fact that I had chosen a beverage that had LITTLE TO NO CAFFEINE IN IT, I decided option B was what was happening to me. I rubbed my itchy eyes and left the Starbucks with Jessica.

Four Days Prior

“Nick…what are you drinking?”
“Hot water.”
“Only hot water?”
“Yep.”
“..why?”

Why was I sipping hot water from a paper cup in my adult English class? Because that entire day I had been plagued with a sore throat. A number of the vending machines have started to remove their hot, tasty, beeves from the vending machines because “IT’S SPRING TIME!”

Mother nature, however, seemed to disagree as it was raining, cold and wet outside.

Nevertheless, this left me with hot coffee to drink or….hot coffee. And coffee is about as soothing to the throat as a Brillo pad is soothing…uh….to the throat.

Thus I ventured over to the water cooler and got myself a cup of hot water using the red spigot.   It was too doggone hot. I dropped the cup a little then caught it again….like that ruler reflex trick.  I quickly grabbed another cup and dub-cupped that beeve.  Feeling pleased with myself, I had sipped on this flavorless warm liquid causing the current conversation to occur.

“My throat is sore.”
“うん。うん。うんうんうん。” my student said letting me know she had no idea what sore meant.
“My throat hurts…I have a pain here.” I said will pointing to my throat.

“Oh! Maybe…you have a cold?”
I thought about what my student had just said. Maybe I do have a cold. Wait, what are my options?

  • YOUR THROAT IS SORE…YOU HAVE A COLD
  • Maybe this is referred pain! Or something! Your tooth kinda hurt earlier this week…right? That happened in Fraser! Yeah!  Maybe what is happening is my tooth nerves have said, “alright boys. This here bloke isn’t listening to a blimey word we are sayin’. So ‘wat we are goin’ do is, move ourselves to the throat area!” That makes sense…right…right?

Like a 3rd grader who hasn’t learned how Choose Your Own Adventure books work, I went with option B.

“No. Just a sore throat! I’m ok.”

I went through that entire class period with my throat getting scratchier and scratchier.

Three Days Prior

Hawk-0281

“mumble words mumble so I can you make it by the 25th of March. Nick…Nick先生!”

I was sitting in front of my netbook at school. It was 9:00am. I hadn’t touched the cup of coffee on my desk. I couldn’t look at the screen of my netbook without feeling like I wanted to upchuck.

That morning, I had woken up with a cold pack on my forehead. Given that I live alone, this means that either:

  • a ghost (attractive and helpful) had entered my apartment and saw me rolling back and forth, pouring sweat. She had gone to my Medasket (medical supply basket) and taken a cold pack out, placed it on my forehead, blowing me loving kisses all the way.
  • I had stumbled to the Medasket while saying “water….water water water”, slapped one on my forehead, and fallen back onto my futon…somehow losing a sock in the process. Did I drink water? Who knows.

I picked Option B this time…and unluckily I was right.

Feeling like a drunk and overly warm Gundam pilot, I made the Hawk-0281 machine put it’s clothes on. I then made it take out it’s temperature gauge and have the read-out show up in my HUD display.

37.5 C blinked several times.

I’m Ok. I’m Ok. You know what is silly? Biscuit flavored water. That is silly. Why would MacGuyver invent that? But I would drink it, with Double Mint Gum. That would be good as a sandwich I bet! Teenage Mutant Ninja Girdles! Teenage Mutant Ninja Girdles! Teenage…

Hawk-0281 continued to act oddly and say things out loud despite the italics. I piloted it out of the door, straight into a wall a couple of times down the stairs, and slowly to the train station. What would normally take this unit 3 minutes to get to at max speed had taken 10 minutes due to overheating. When the unit reached the train station, I shut it down.

It automatically turned back on about 90 minutes later at Zentsuji Train Station. I piloted it out of the gate, onto it’s two-wheeled mobile add-on, and arrived at school about 15 minutes later. It should have taken 5.

I had put the unit through several routines, quite slowly, and now as dealing with the current situation.   I noticed that the internal language translators also seemed to be working poorly.

“Nick先生! You look 悪ad. Are yo大丈夫 Ok.”
Tell her you are fine. Were the commands I input into Hawk-0281.
“I think I am sick. Do you have a thermometer I can use?”
Things were getting bad now. The unit was upright rebelling against me.
A new readout displayed onto my HUD.

37.8C


“That’s too high! Why are you here?!?”
“It’s the last 3rd year class…I have to stay.”
More nonsense was pouring out of this unit every minute.

“You are overworking yourself! At least take some medicine! There is a shop near here! Go there.”

I piloted Hawk-0281 to the nearest drug store, and like a bad movie, I took 2000 yen out of my wallet, slapped it on the counter and said:

“I need the strongest cold medicine you have.”

Now, the druggist here has seen me before. Thus he didn’t phone up the police and ask them to take away the weirdo foreigner trying to get a “legal” high. Instead he said:

“Here. This is stronger than what you will get prescribed for a cold. It is 1780 yen. Are you SURE you don’t have the flu?”

“I don’t think so..” the unit beeped without any input from me.
“Do you have a headache? Fever? Feel queasy? Have a sore back? Sore throat?”
“Yes” Hawk-0281 squawked.

“Well, if you haven’t broken 38 C you may be ok..just a very bad cold. Here, take this and this with your medicine. These usually cost money… but are free for you. You need to take it easy.” In the bag he slammed what appeared to be blue, chalky, Lifesavers (turned out to be throat drops) and a large bottle of brownish-liquid that Japanese people like to chug to give them energy.

I accepted the items and thanked the druggist.
I piloted Hawk-0281 to the nearest convenience store, bought some bread, forced the unit to ingest it, swallowed two capsules, and spent the rest of the day feeling like Hawk-0281 was wired and asleep at the same time. I checked the temperature readout before going to bed.

35.8blinked on the HUD.

….this was clearly some good stuff. I had nothing to worry about.

Two Days Prior

“Shhh Nick! Shhh!” Mike was saying to be across the table. I looked to my left to see Angela was agreeing with Mike furiously. I looked to my right to see Jessica was ignoring me. Now, I am quite bad keeping myself from making statement I shouldn’t…but somehow, thanks to some MTV HippityHop music videos playing at our current eatery…I make have found myself in a situation that can best be described via THIS VIDEO. As if this article isn’t long enough without video links being incledded (include + embed)

[if you’re a man…you’ve been here]

Now, what was shocking wasn’t that I had fallen into the trap, but that I was feeling as a clam who avoided a clam bake about it. Usually, I have a better sense about this things. Also, why was I not at home, where I had vowed to be for the entire weekend? Why had I quaffed a Corona? Why was my throat sore? Why had I decided to take three capsules of the miracle medicine this afternoon instead of two? Why was I not concerned with the 35.6C readout on the display? Why why why?

Well, the correct answer for this, of course, is that I was horribly stupid. I had accepted a spur of the moment invite to enjoy some curry out in Takamatsu that evening. I had decided to take three in order to ward off feeling bad. I was not concerned about the low read out, because this was indeed strong medicine. I had quaffed a Corona, because Coronas are delicious and nutritious(!fact!). This combination had me acting less than normal.

“Shh! Nick! Shhhh!!!” Mike was saying.
But Nick was too busy not listening to Mike.
He then got busy feeling like 504830 elephants were sitting on his brain when he returned home at 1:00am. “Wow! Looks like I have defeated this cold! Probably wasn’t even a cold!” I foolishly thought.

One Day Prior

I stayed home, like a good Hawkins. I took only 1 capsule this time, only felt tired and a bit weak the whole day. Slept quite a bit. Watched several movies. Did some studying. Had some BBQ Chicken pizza. A pretty A-OK day.

Monday Morning – 6:46 AM

Nick….you need to catch this train….Nick….NICK!

The students I had speedily hobbled by earlier, had not passed me. The train was not going to wait much longer.

NIIIIIIIIIICK!!!! SACK UP!

I took a step down and felt a sharp pain emit from my left knee-cap.

GOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I took a deep breath and started my descent down the stairs.

Every step caused an amount of pain I hadn’t felt in my knee-cap since the last time I had the flu. Every movement felt like painful/soggy sand. Tears poured out of my left eye involuntarily. I was certain the train was going to leave as the students had already boarded the train and the conductor had blown his whistle.

However, right before signaling to close the door, the conductor took a look at me hobbling down the stairs and with all the compassion in the world yelled:

“QUICKLY! QUICKLY!” in English.

Inspired by his words, I managed to descend the stairs, and get onto the train.

***

So, I used my lunch break to see a doctor nearby. I told him him what was going on, had been going on, and that my knee had started killing me this morning. His response was basically:

So…I Think You Had the Flu but Now It’s Too Late and You Have a Bad Cold…Sorry! You can some medicine I can give you, but what you are taking now is stronger than what I would normally give you. If you end up with a fever higher than 38, please come back.

I blinked at him a lot, thanked him, and hobbled back to school in time to finish up my lunch.

***

So this was a ridiculously long story. And what have we learned from this?…what the…do you need options?  Fine.

  • Nick needs to learn how to be concise? Always.
  • NO seriously, you spent 3000 plus words saying “I pretended like I wasn’t sick….it didn’t work.”  Ok, you have a point.
  • I am not joking. Stop ra I revoke your option making privileges.

No …the lesson learned here is LISTEN TO YOUR BODY! IF YOU FEEL THE ONCOMING OF SOMETHING, JUST TRUST IT, GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET SOME MEDICINE THEN YOU CAN…

…wait. The medicine I got over the counter is stronger than normally prescribed in my case. um…

…the lesson is…..um…..

……

I dunno. Sorry. No lesson today folks. You can….uh..make your own one up.

Now if you excuse me, I am going to check my temperature readout.

PS: 36.3C ….Nice……

Categories: Uncategorized

Should He be Doing That ?

March 1, 2010 1 comment

Quick! I need you to do is take a look at this picture. Do not worry about the text. I want you so simply look at this picture.  I apologize for the poor quality, was taken using a craaptastic camera. Anywho, Take about 5 seconds to do so then continue. Ok? Are you ready? GO!

*quaff quaff quaff*

Alright. As you hopefully could see, a man there appears to be pulling a Gideon(dude from the Bible) with some liquids. What exactly is going on?

  • Like the story of Gideon, our protagonist is taking a drink of water from a reservoir to quench his parched throat. “My my….what fine dark colored water this is!” he is saying to himself.

...I know the story of Gideon...and this is an awful cartoon depicting it.

  • The Koolaid man burst through a wall and said his trademark phrase, “Ba ba ba ba baaaaaaa! I’m lovin’ it!” however, he managed to trip over some of the debris he created, thus causing him to crash onto the kitchen floor in shards. The bloke here, is drinking up his remains, because hey, why let good drink go to waste?

that's his catch phrase....right?

  • This is a mock-up for a scene for the movie/comic “The Fountain”. This, believe it or not, was the page that made the movie make sense. Yep. This one page.

"But Nick! I loved the Fountain!"...... No you didn't.

  • In a comic about flying roller skates, this guy (the bad guy) just got hit in the head by a particular powerful rollerskate attack. As blood went spurting forth from his head wound, he went berserk and decided that his blood was too precious to be wasted and started chugging it down his gullet, thus creeping everyone out.

*quaffity quaff qu....wait? this isn't koolaid?

If you picked the last option, then you know how Japanese comics work pretty well. And you are officially ready to start today’s article entitled:

Should He be Doing That ?

*30 Minutes Before the End Of 3rd Period. Back of 1-4 Classroom.*

“Nick, are you okay? You look very ….white~”
No, I was not wearing a tech-vest with a neck-tie. He literally meant I looked white as in pale. He was however unable to find the word “pale” in his brexicon (brain + lexicon) and ended up picking “white”. Were I okay, I would correct him. However, I was far from okay.

“X先生….should he be doing that?
I feebly gesticulated towards First Class Hypodermic sitting in the front of class. Out of the corner of my eye I saw him fidgeting with “The Device”. I felt dizzy.

“ He always finds a new way to disturb class. The best thing to do is to ignore it.”
“But…that looks….dangerous and….messy.”

X先生 shrugged and gave me a look that said, “Kids do the darnedest things.” I gave him a look back that said, “I need to go and get some air, I’ll be right back.”

“I need to go and get some air, I’ll be right back.” I said, as X先生 was not too good at reading my facial expression beyond “white”.

I stumbled out into the hallway and made a beeline for the bathroom. I found a stall, locked it and slumped down to the floor.
I’m baaa~aack!” a southern-tinged voice whispered in my ear.
“Oh, my stars!” I said back and lost consciousness.

*57 Minutes Before the End Of 3rd Period. 1-4 Classroom.*

Ok Nick. It’s just 1-4. You know the kids in this class. They are a good bunch. There are only 2 kids who cause problems. Just two! Don’t let those little rascals get to ya. It’s just 50 minutes teaching a simple lesson. You’ll be fine, Hawkins! You’ll be aces!

Aces! .....hold on a second...


As a teacher you will always have a class that will be a challenge for you. One that no matter how much you wanna be the teacher that changes all of their lives for the better, you’ll still just be a foreign guy whose nickname amongst the kids are “scrub brush head”, “erotic chocolate” and “meat”.

肉!肉!ニンニク!」 “Meat! Meat! Garlic!”
garlic. That’s clever kid. Real clever.

Said kid screamed my name again (ニンニク~~~~~~~) and stabbed with something in my right hand. I looked down to see a hypodermic needle buried to the hilt in my hand. I tried to scream but I couldn’t. A greenish foam emerged from my mouth and I started to convulse. As I fell to the floor I thought “Why did I eat that Calorie Plus Bar for breakfast?” Those were my last thoughts.

Or that is what the little stabbist was hoping for, I am sure. The “hypodermic needle” he had stabbed me with was infact one of those dumb syringe pens you can buy. You know, the ones that look like a hypodermic needle, but when you depress the plunger SURPRISE!…the tip of a ball point pen comes out.

dumb

I blinked several times in his general direction. He looked angry and disappointed that I had not freaked out. He ran off to stab some other kids with his syringe pen.

I looked at a small blue dot on my hand and sighed.

*45 Minutes Before the End Of 3rd Period. 1-4 Classroom.*

Class had not session for been in session for a mere five minutes. About two weeks prior, Captain Hypodermic had been placed in a seat at the front of class in order to keep his antics down. This strategy had worked exceedingly well at making him the center of attention and given him the ability to distract anyone at anytime. Every class he managed to come up with something new. From throwing a baseball, to breaking apart razor blades, to fake sneezing on students, to drawing on the chalk board.

I had to give him credit for being innovative. After all, he probably just wasn’t getting the care he needed at home and…Wait…no I didn’t. That kid threw mikan at my head once! He was acting like a little !BLEEP BLEEPITY kitchen sink BLEEP MC BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP donkey’s BLEEP BLEEP cracklin’!

I digress.

Anyway, what he was currently doing was disassembling the his hypodermic pen…quietly.  He walked over to dumb the excess liquid out the window so…steathlike that had I not been watching him like a Hawk (kaw kaw!) I would have missed it.
Quietly? Why is he being so quiet? This isn’t your style ser…


He looked really into it and given he wasn’t causing any ruckus yet, I decided to ignore him.
And by ignore him, I mean continue to stare at his desk.

*40 Minutes Before the End Of 3rd Period. 1-4 Classroom.*

Class was going along somewhat well all things considered. General Hypodermic had only made a ruckus by throwing away the ink rod…..cylinder…thingy…refill….the thing that goes in ballpoint pens that you can replace…..sorry. Anyway, he now had the reassembled the entire pen and was looking at it with the concentration of ten-thousand Sudoku players.

You know what is sad? Some of you reading this are trying to solve this right now.

I don’t get it. Disassembling pens?!? Putting them back together?!?!? This is too small scale for Lt. Hypodermic! He must be up to something. Is he going to do it blindfolded next? This feels wrong.

I kept wondering what he could be up to as I reviewed the new words with the class.

*35 Minutes Before the End Of 3rd Period. 1-4 Classroom.*

Hey hey hey hey hey! What the dickens are you doing?! I swear if you stab me or any other kid with that….

Private Hypodermic had gotten up in the middle of class to ask a girl for a safety pin. For reason I cannot fathom, she gave it to him. He thanked her and ran back to his seat. He was now stabbing the desk with it while making stabbing noises.

Yeah…you just keep stabbing that desk……..just make sure you don’t….

Private Hypodermic took the safety pin and started poking his index finger with it.

…what the…how bored are you kid?!! Will you cut that out?! If you don’t stop you are going to
*prick*
He had pricked his finger hard enough that I was sure I heard it as the needle penetrated each layer of flesh.
He removed the safety pin from his finger and a rather large drop of blood started to form.

I stared at that drop of blood.
Hello there, sugar! Long time no see!” a honey-laced voiced whispered in my ear.


Shh! Quite! Get back in the box! I don’t have time for this!

*33Minutes Before the End Of 3rd Period. 1-4 Classroom.*

Second Class Hypodermic had unscrewed the bottom of his hypodermic pen again.
And he was filling it with ink.

….

This is a good spot in our tale to mention that I am a sufferer of SBFS (Southern Belle Fainting Syndrome) where the sight/manipulation of blood will often cause me to fall down like any woman in Gone with the Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. I have no idea why this happens, but at least once a year some form of visible blood loss from myself/another causes me to black out.

swoontastic

As a teacher, I have managed to deal with it and block it out for the most part. Students here are prone to nose bleeds, head bleeds, eye bleeds, camel bleeds, book bleeds….just, the blood never stops flowing. So, what I am saying is that if the blood involves a student, It actually has very little affect on me. It takes quite a bit for me to have SBFS during class.

Honeypie, that is naaaaaaasty.” Queen SBFS was refusing to stay in the box I told her to go into. And I couldn’t blame her.
Because the ink that kid was filling his pen with, was ink that he was magically emitting from his finger.
The finger he had pricked earlier.
That’s not right….ink doesn’t come out of fing…HOLY…..
He was filling his pretend hypodermic needle with his own blood.

…I am going to wait a few minutes for you to let that sink in for a bit. I decided to wait in the back of class.

*30 Minutes Before the End Of 3rd Period. Back of 1-4 Classroom.*

“Nick, are you okay? You look very ….white~”
“X先生….should he be doing that?

I feebly gesticulated towards First Class Hypodermic sitting in the front of class. Out of the corner of my eye I saw him fidgeting with “The Device”. I felt dizzy.

“ He always finds a new way to disturb class. The best thing to do is to ignore it.”
“But…that looks….dangerous and….messy.”

X先生 shrugged and gave me a look that said, “Kids do the darnedest things.” I gave him a look back that said, “I need to go and get some air, I’ll be right back.”

“I need to go and get some air, I’ll be right back.” I said, as X先生 was not too good at reading my facial expression beyond “white”.

I stumbled out into the hallway and made a beeline for the bathroom. I found a stall, locked it and slumped down to the floor.
I’m baaa~aack!” a southern-tinged voice whispered in my ear.


“Oh, my stars!” I said back and lost consciousness.

*27 Minutes Before the End Of 3rd Period. Bathroom.*

Whoa! Where am I? It reeks in here! Geez! What…is this the floor to my bathroom..is my bathroom floor green? Since when? Wait…no…that’s not right. I’m at school! Yeah! I woke up this morning and….

I stood up feeling wobbly and looked at my watch.
I had been unconscious for three minutes.
SBFS was no where to be fou…er…heard. I weebled and wobbled back to class.

*5 Minutes Before the End Of 3rd Period. 1-3 Classroom.*

No BLEEP it now this is too much! Cut it out! Stop stop stoooooooop! I can’t handle this much grossness! Auuggg.

SBFS seemed to have ditched her southern accent. She was that bothered. Her bothering me was causing me to be even dizzier than before.

When I returned to class I found that Chef Hypodermic had finally started his tour de force in ruckustry. He had been shaking drops of blood out of his hypodermic pen on the boy’s desk behind him while laughing.

After he was told to cut it out by X先生, he had started dropping the drops on this English Notebook and making art with it.
Had I been in an art class, had a goatee, a beanie, and been the type of guy who looks at a blorb of toothpaste on the kitchen sink and calls it “art”, I would have been impressed.

art!

Instead I was distressed.

I recited the chants of manliness taught to me by many brave men before me that men chant to themselves when in distress. It’s a simple chant that if you ask any man, he will tell you. I cannot tell you the chant in it’s entirety but I can give you a few hints.

  • The last word is the opposite of down.
  • The first word is an object, often made of burlap. In it you can store peanuts.
  • The chant is a total of two words in length..

I continued to chat that to myself as the minutes cranked down to the end of class. I didn’t hear a peep out of Queen SBFS. I continued the mantra to myself while praying that he wouldn’t try to drop some of his “human ink” onto me.

*End Of 3rd Period. Still in the Classroom*

If I was a smart man, I would have known better. I would have just left class at that point and left the other teachers to handle Red Cross Lad.

I,however was curious. Despite feeling ill, I was curious to see what they were going to do with this kid who was spreading his blood everywhere for kicks.

I watch X先生 walk up to him.
Yes! Ok! Yeah! Come on….I have faith in you…drag him to the office.


He said some words to the Red Cross Lad..who then looked at his hypo-pen with what was sure to be an awful idea.


Uh oh…..be careful! He is totally gonna drop some blood on you! If that happens I think I will….

Red Cross Lad then took the end of the pen, popped it into his mouth, and preceeded to suck all of his blood out of it.

***

If you think I have a good ending for this, I don’t. I went to the teacher’s room and laid my head on my desk while I caught my breath. I went outside and walked around afterwards. I then came back in and had a cup of coffee. That’s it.  I do not know how I managed not to puke hooverpails or pass out again.

So what have we learned?

  • I am easily grossed out? Yep.
  • Twilight disease has spread to Japan? Maybe.
  • Kids are gross? Of course.

But no… the real lesson we learned here is that whoever invented those syringe pens should be buried alive in a ball pit full of…syringe pens.

Now if you excuse me, I’m feeling a bit thirsty.

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