Home > Uncategorized > Should He be Doing That ?

Should He be Doing That ?

Quick! I need you to do is take a look at this picture. Do not worry about the text. I want you so simply look at this picture.  I apologize for the poor quality, was taken using a craaptastic camera. Anywho, Take about 5 seconds to do so then continue. Ok? Are you ready? GO!

*quaff quaff quaff*

Alright. As you hopefully could see, a man there appears to be pulling a Gideon(dude from the Bible) with some liquids. What exactly is going on?

  • Like the story of Gideon, our protagonist is taking a drink of water from a reservoir to quench his parched throat. “My my….what fine dark colored water this is!” he is saying to himself.

...I know the story of Gideon...and this is an awful cartoon depicting it.

  • The Koolaid man burst through a wall and said his trademark phrase, “Ba ba ba ba baaaaaaa! I’m lovin’ it!” however, he managed to trip over some of the debris he created, thus causing him to crash onto the kitchen floor in shards. The bloke here, is drinking up his remains, because hey, why let good drink go to waste?

that's his catch phrase....right?

  • This is a mock-up for a scene for the movie/comic “The Fountain”. This, believe it or not, was the page that made the movie make sense. Yep. This one page.

"But Nick! I loved the Fountain!"...... No you didn't.

  • In a comic about flying roller skates, this guy (the bad guy) just got hit in the head by a particular powerful rollerskate attack. As blood went spurting forth from his head wound, he went berserk and decided that his blood was too precious to be wasted and started chugging it down his gullet, thus creeping everyone out.

*quaffity quaff qu....wait? this isn't koolaid?

If you picked the last option, then you know how Japanese comics work pretty well. And you are officially ready to start today’s article entitled:

Should He be Doing That ?

*30 Minutes Before the End Of 3rd Period. Back of 1-4 Classroom.*

“Nick, are you okay? You look very ….white~”
No, I was not wearing a tech-vest with a neck-tie. He literally meant I looked white as in pale. He was however unable to find the word “pale” in his brexicon (brain + lexicon) and ended up picking “white”. Were I okay, I would correct him. However, I was far from okay.

“X先生….should he be doing that?
I feebly gesticulated towards First Class Hypodermic sitting in the front of class. Out of the corner of my eye I saw him fidgeting with “The Device”. I felt dizzy.

“ He always finds a new way to disturb class. The best thing to do is to ignore it.”
“But…that looks….dangerous and….messy.”

X先生 shrugged and gave me a look that said, “Kids do the darnedest things.” I gave him a look back that said, “I need to go and get some air, I’ll be right back.”

“I need to go and get some air, I’ll be right back.” I said, as X先生 was not too good at reading my facial expression beyond “white”.

I stumbled out into the hallway and made a beeline for the bathroom. I found a stall, locked it and slumped down to the floor.
I’m baaa~aack!” a southern-tinged voice whispered in my ear.
“Oh, my stars!” I said back and lost consciousness.

*57 Minutes Before the End Of 3rd Period. 1-4 Classroom.*

Ok Nick. It’s just 1-4. You know the kids in this class. They are a good bunch. There are only 2 kids who cause problems. Just two! Don’t let those little rascals get to ya. It’s just 50 minutes teaching a simple lesson. You’ll be fine, Hawkins! You’ll be aces!

Aces! .....hold on a second...


As a teacher you will always have a class that will be a challenge for you. One that no matter how much you wanna be the teacher that changes all of their lives for the better, you’ll still just be a foreign guy whose nickname amongst the kids are “scrub brush head”, “erotic chocolate” and “meat”.

肉!肉!ニンニク!」 “Meat! Meat! Garlic!”
garlic. That’s clever kid. Real clever.

Said kid screamed my name again (ニンニク~~~~~~~) and stabbed with something in my right hand. I looked down to see a hypodermic needle buried to the hilt in my hand. I tried to scream but I couldn’t. A greenish foam emerged from my mouth and I started to convulse. As I fell to the floor I thought “Why did I eat that Calorie Plus Bar for breakfast?” Those were my last thoughts.

Or that is what the little stabbist was hoping for, I am sure. The “hypodermic needle” he had stabbed me with was infact one of those dumb syringe pens you can buy. You know, the ones that look like a hypodermic needle, but when you depress the plunger SURPRISE!…the tip of a ball point pen comes out.

dumb

I blinked several times in his general direction. He looked angry and disappointed that I had not freaked out. He ran off to stab some other kids with his syringe pen.

I looked at a small blue dot on my hand and sighed.

*45 Minutes Before the End Of 3rd Period. 1-4 Classroom.*

Class had not session for been in session for a mere five minutes. About two weeks prior, Captain Hypodermic had been placed in a seat at the front of class in order to keep his antics down. This strategy had worked exceedingly well at making him the center of attention and given him the ability to distract anyone at anytime. Every class he managed to come up with something new. From throwing a baseball, to breaking apart razor blades, to fake sneezing on students, to drawing on the chalk board.

I had to give him credit for being innovative. After all, he probably just wasn’t getting the care he needed at home and…Wait…no I didn’t. That kid threw mikan at my head once! He was acting like a little !BLEEP BLEEPITY kitchen sink BLEEP MC BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP donkey’s BLEEP BLEEP cracklin’!

I digress.

Anyway, what he was currently doing was disassembling the his hypodermic pen…quietly.  He walked over to dumb the excess liquid out the window so…steathlike that had I not been watching him like a Hawk (kaw kaw!) I would have missed it.
Quietly? Why is he being so quiet? This isn’t your style ser…


He looked really into it and given he wasn’t causing any ruckus yet, I decided to ignore him.
And by ignore him, I mean continue to stare at his desk.

*40 Minutes Before the End Of 3rd Period. 1-4 Classroom.*

Class was going along somewhat well all things considered. General Hypodermic had only made a ruckus by throwing away the ink rod…..cylinder…thingy…refill….the thing that goes in ballpoint pens that you can replace…..sorry. Anyway, he now had the reassembled the entire pen and was looking at it with the concentration of ten-thousand Sudoku players.

You know what is sad? Some of you reading this are trying to solve this right now.

I don’t get it. Disassembling pens?!? Putting them back together?!?!? This is too small scale for Lt. Hypodermic! He must be up to something. Is he going to do it blindfolded next? This feels wrong.

I kept wondering what he could be up to as I reviewed the new words with the class.

*35 Minutes Before the End Of 3rd Period. 1-4 Classroom.*

Hey hey hey hey hey! What the dickens are you doing?! I swear if you stab me or any other kid with that….

Private Hypodermic had gotten up in the middle of class to ask a girl for a safety pin. For reason I cannot fathom, she gave it to him. He thanked her and ran back to his seat. He was now stabbing the desk with it while making stabbing noises.

Yeah…you just keep stabbing that desk……..just make sure you don’t….

Private Hypodermic took the safety pin and started poking his index finger with it.

…what the…how bored are you kid?!! Will you cut that out?! If you don’t stop you are going to
*prick*
He had pricked his finger hard enough that I was sure I heard it as the needle penetrated each layer of flesh.
He removed the safety pin from his finger and a rather large drop of blood started to form.

I stared at that drop of blood.
Hello there, sugar! Long time no see!” a honey-laced voiced whispered in my ear.


Shh! Quite! Get back in the box! I don’t have time for this!

*33Minutes Before the End Of 3rd Period. 1-4 Classroom.*

Second Class Hypodermic had unscrewed the bottom of his hypodermic pen again.
And he was filling it with ink.

….

This is a good spot in our tale to mention that I am a sufferer of SBFS (Southern Belle Fainting Syndrome) where the sight/manipulation of blood will often cause me to fall down like any woman in Gone with the Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. I have no idea why this happens, but at least once a year some form of visible blood loss from myself/another causes me to black out.

swoontastic

As a teacher, I have managed to deal with it and block it out for the most part. Students here are prone to nose bleeds, head bleeds, eye bleeds, camel bleeds, book bleeds….just, the blood never stops flowing. So, what I am saying is that if the blood involves a student, It actually has very little affect on me. It takes quite a bit for me to have SBFS during class.

Honeypie, that is naaaaaaasty.” Queen SBFS was refusing to stay in the box I told her to go into. And I couldn’t blame her.
Because the ink that kid was filling his pen with, was ink that he was magically emitting from his finger.
The finger he had pricked earlier.
That’s not right….ink doesn’t come out of fing…HOLY…..
He was filling his pretend hypodermic needle with his own blood.

…I am going to wait a few minutes for you to let that sink in for a bit. I decided to wait in the back of class.

*30 Minutes Before the End Of 3rd Period. Back of 1-4 Classroom.*

“Nick, are you okay? You look very ….white~”
“X先生….should he be doing that?

I feebly gesticulated towards First Class Hypodermic sitting in the front of class. Out of the corner of my eye I saw him fidgeting with “The Device”. I felt dizzy.

“ He always finds a new way to disturb class. The best thing to do is to ignore it.”
“But…that looks….dangerous and….messy.”

X先生 shrugged and gave me a look that said, “Kids do the darnedest things.” I gave him a look back that said, “I need to go and get some air, I’ll be right back.”

“I need to go and get some air, I’ll be right back.” I said, as X先生 was not too good at reading my facial expression beyond “white”.

I stumbled out into the hallway and made a beeline for the bathroom. I found a stall, locked it and slumped down to the floor.
I’m baaa~aack!” a southern-tinged voice whispered in my ear.


“Oh, my stars!” I said back and lost consciousness.

*27 Minutes Before the End Of 3rd Period. Bathroom.*

Whoa! Where am I? It reeks in here! Geez! What…is this the floor to my bathroom..is my bathroom floor green? Since when? Wait…no…that’s not right. I’m at school! Yeah! I woke up this morning and….

I stood up feeling wobbly and looked at my watch.
I had been unconscious for three minutes.
SBFS was no where to be fou…er…heard. I weebled and wobbled back to class.

*5 Minutes Before the End Of 3rd Period. 1-3 Classroom.*

No BLEEP it now this is too much! Cut it out! Stop stop stoooooooop! I can’t handle this much grossness! Auuggg.

SBFS seemed to have ditched her southern accent. She was that bothered. Her bothering me was causing me to be even dizzier than before.

When I returned to class I found that Chef Hypodermic had finally started his tour de force in ruckustry. He had been shaking drops of blood out of his hypodermic pen on the boy’s desk behind him while laughing.

After he was told to cut it out by X先生, he had started dropping the drops on this English Notebook and making art with it.
Had I been in an art class, had a goatee, a beanie, and been the type of guy who looks at a blorb of toothpaste on the kitchen sink and calls it “art”, I would have been impressed.

art!

Instead I was distressed.

I recited the chants of manliness taught to me by many brave men before me that men chant to themselves when in distress. It’s a simple chant that if you ask any man, he will tell you. I cannot tell you the chant in it’s entirety but I can give you a few hints.

  • The last word is the opposite of down.
  • The first word is an object, often made of burlap. In it you can store peanuts.
  • The chant is a total of two words in length..

I continued to chat that to myself as the minutes cranked down to the end of class. I didn’t hear a peep out of Queen SBFS. I continued the mantra to myself while praying that he wouldn’t try to drop some of his “human ink” onto me.

*End Of 3rd Period. Still in the Classroom*

If I was a smart man, I would have known better. I would have just left class at that point and left the other teachers to handle Red Cross Lad.

I,however was curious. Despite feeling ill, I was curious to see what they were going to do with this kid who was spreading his blood everywhere for kicks.

I watch X先生 walk up to him.
Yes! Ok! Yeah! Come on….I have faith in you…drag him to the office.


He said some words to the Red Cross Lad..who then looked at his hypo-pen with what was sure to be an awful idea.


Uh oh…..be careful! He is totally gonna drop some blood on you! If that happens I think I will….

Red Cross Lad then took the end of the pen, popped it into his mouth, and preceeded to suck all of his blood out of it.

***

If you think I have a good ending for this, I don’t. I went to the teacher’s room and laid my head on my desk while I caught my breath. I went outside and walked around afterwards. I then came back in and had a cup of coffee. That’s it.  I do not know how I managed not to puke hooverpails or pass out again.

So what have we learned?

  • I am easily grossed out? Yep.
  • Twilight disease has spread to Japan? Maybe.
  • Kids are gross? Of course.

But no… the real lesson we learned here is that whoever invented those syringe pens should be buried alive in a ball pit full of…syringe pens.

Now if you excuse me, I’m feeling a bit thirsty.

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Categories: Uncategorized
  1. Julien
    March 4, 2010 at 12:16 pm

    Yikes! What a ride. I hope you’re not still looking “white”

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