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“Kevin Spacey has a new film?” OR “Problems with Vocabulary”

March 13, 2012 Leave a comment

**********Last Night************

So, for some reason I found myself sitting in front of the TV, with a bowl of popcorn last night. Actually a huge paper bucket of popcorn. Like the ones they used to actually sell at movie theaters before people became obsessed with sticking ADs on them. Now you have to go to some trendy place and buy them for a kajillion dollars. Which I apparently, being me, did….

I digress.

Anyway, one of my friends had rented what, according to him, was the worst Kevin Spacey movie in the world.

“This is the worst Kevin Spacey movie in the world.” he said while jamming the DVD into the player.

“Really? I cannot imagine him in a bad movie…..”. I replied….and then I remembered K-PAX….but I thought it best not to mention it. Say, what was the name of this movie?

“So what is this movie called aga…?SHHHHHHHHHHHH it’s starting.

My friend had interrupted me with a comically long shush noise.

Before I could bring up the fact that this was a DVD and would have approximately 80 years of trailers, I heard Kevin Spacey say in a thick country accent, “I was all ready for my date with sweet Mabeline.”

On the screen was Kevin Spacey, Pre-Pax era Kevin Spacey, standing on what had to be the set of Blue Velvet. 1950s era looking place at night, small light blue house in the background, blue car, blue….well, everything was blue.

“Did David Lynch direct this SHHHHHHHHH look look look!

My friend is really good at interrupting.

The camera zoomed in on Kevin Spacey as he said, “But was sweet Mabeline ready for me? Oh my sweet Mabeline, Mabey Mabey Mabeline.

While all of this probably sounds creepy to you, and it should, it was hilarious to my friend and I due to what Kevin Spacey was wearing which, according to him was:

“I was wearing my best duds for sweet Mabeline. My custom made to order Calvin Klein Jean Shirt, my leather leopard skin pants, my Gucci waiter’s vest with it’s sweet sweet APPLEJACKS….”

Upon delivering the line APPLEJACKS, the camera zoomed in on the back of the vest which had a small buckle in the back of it.

I sighed heavily.

***********Seven Years Ago***************

I found myself experiencing a particularly strange phenomenon. Not that anyone ever says, “I am totally a normal phenomenon…..”…in fact, doesn’t phenomenon mean ” a strange incident?”

……I digress.

Anyway, what I discovered was that after moving to Japan my brain was having problems handling dreams. It (my brain) was eager to incorporate as much Japanese as possible into dreams, since it’s owner(me) was now living in Japan.

This, is where the problems began. You see, by this point I had acquired enough Japanese that if someone made vaguely racist sounds, I could say, “Hey! That is NOT what Japanese sounds like you….racist!” which was good….but it also means my brain could not fill in Japanese dialogue with random noises, as it had done before. This left my brain in a fragile state. So this is how all of my dreams went for several months:

A kind Japanese man or woman would take me on a tour of a house, city, park, etc….

“What’s that?”. I would say while pointing to a shirt.
“That’s a shirt!” would be the reply in Japanese.
“What’s that?” I would say while pointing to shoes.
“Those are shoes!” would be the reply in Japanese. And so on. And so forth.

However without fail, 30 minutes into my dream, I would point to say, a rice cake, covered with bumpy red beans and say,

“what is that?”
And without missing a beat, my guide would always say, “Those are shoes.”
I would at this point say, “Really? But what are these?!?” while gesturing to my shoes.

“Those are shoes.” the guide would say.

I would then start to get worried and point to my elbow and say, “what is this?”
And the guide would say, “Those are shoes!”

I would sigh heavily then usually, if my brain was nice, wake up.
If not, for the rest of the dream, I would be tortured by having a guide explain everything to me in Japanese but dubbing in “SHOES” for any word that my guide(brain) did not know.

Interestingly enough, this still happens to me today. But had always remained a Japanese thing……

************Two Weeks Ago***************

Courtesy How Stuff Works

I was in the office preparing to head to a class. As I stood up a coworker stopped me and said:

“Hey wait! Your vest!”

Probably should have opened by mentioning that I was wearing a vest. Oh well. But yes. I was wearing a vest. Not just a vest mind you. A naked man wearing nothing but a vest. Yikes! Can you imagine that? How awful would that be? A man just walking around wearing nothing but a buttoned up vest. And a vest kind of lends itself to be worn naked,…. lemme explain in a non horrible way–>

You know how your car has windshield wipers? And there is that mystery space the wipers cannot touched? Shaped kinda like a diamond/triangle? Right in between the wipers? A vest is kinda like that at the bottom! Which means that a man wearing nothing but a vest is just drawing attention to, as Dave Matthews put it best, “The space between.”. Except it’s not really a space as much as……wow that was a horrible way to describe that wasn’t it?

I digress.

Anyway, I was wearing a vest and he was gesturing wildly to the back of it while saying, “the uh….the uh…buckle thingy is uh….uh….well uh…..not….buckled”

I awkwardly looked over my shoulder to discover that the….the…..
Say….what DO you call that?

**********Last Night***********


“I was wearing my best clothes for sweet Mabeline. My custom made to order Calvin Klein Jean Shirt, my leather leopard skin pants, my Gucci waiter’s vest with it’s sweet sweet APPLEJACKS….”

Upon delivering the line APPLEJACKS, the camera zoomed in on the back of the vest which had a small buckle in the back of it.

I sighed heavily.

For the first time in ages, I was aware while dreaming that I was now in a dream. In English. I was kind of mind blown!

“Whoa!”. I thought. This all makes sense! I am in a dream! My brain just tried that trick it tries with Japanese all the time, but it didn’t work! Sweet! This means I can shape my own….

“Look look look!” said my friend who was now…Kevin Spacey?
Wait….where was my popcorn? Why was I holding a gun? Hey!

I found myself squatting behind a blue couch in the previously mentioned (several paragraphs ago mentioned) blue house. Kevin Spacey was still dressed oddly. On the other side of the couch were two guys I can only describe as “goons”.   One was heavyset with a …uh….white guy afro and the other was skinny……actually….to make this easier to explain let’s say……

Michael Cera and Jonah Hill?!?!

“Hey!” I said to Kevin Spacey.
“SHHHHHHHHH!” shushed Kevin Spacey.

“What was that!?!” shouted Michael Cera while turning towards us with a machine gun.

“EXPLETIVE!” stated Spacey. He then stood up, six shooter drawn.
“Shoot the guy with the APPLEJACKS on his vest!” screamed Jonah Hill.

*****************This Morning*****************

I woke up this morning hungry. Ridiculously hungry.
You ever wake up hungry? Yeah, it sucks. Well that is how I woke up, hungry.

I shuffled to the sink, grabbed some toothpaste called Salty (no really…it is called salty…..) and looked in the mirror.

“APPLEJACKS!” my brain screamed at me.
“SPEW TOOTHPASTE AT THE MIRROR ABOVE THE SINK!” I….well did. Not state.

And it all came back to me. Kevin Spacey. Apple Jacks. Mexican Standoff. Some car chases. And something that had caused me to bite my tongue while sleeping. Unsure as to what that was. But for some reason, I felt vaguely satisfied by it.  Like a scar or something from a battle fought…..

also I really wanted to eat some Apple Jacks.

*****************Now******************

So, here we are. It’s late and I will be heading off to dream land soon. What did we learn from today’s article?

Kevin Spacey should do a movie with a country accent? Sure.
Nick’s brain works like a clunky computer/holodeck? Yep.
No one should ever wear a vest naked? Of course not.

I think the real lesson we learned is this: Before you go to sleep, you should probably not spend your time watching old cereal commercials from the 80’s on YouTube.

….now if you excuse me, Kevin Spacey and I have adventures to get…..adventuring to.

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